This month I am tackling
the third most common question I am
asked. Is my house haunted?
Dear Wanda,
In my new house, I hear knocks
on the walls, phantom footsteps, the
TV and lights turn on and off by
themselves, and sometimes things
disappear and reappear in odd
places. Could my house be haunted?
--Paranoid in CA
Dear Paranoid,
Ever heard of the theory Occam's
Razor? I'd never heard of it either
until I watched this science special
on the Discovery Channel last week.
It means "one should not
increase, beyond what is necessary,
the number of entities required to
explain anything". However,
Occam is a hard word to spell and it
looks sorta funny even when you DO
spell it right, plus the definition
is complicated and hard to
understand, so I'd like to apply my
own theory to this situation. I like
to call it "Wanda's Safety Razor"
(and I'm not referring to my very
last Shick disposable razor that is,
at this very second, on the bathroom
sink covered with tiny stubbly
hairs. It's not my fault that Earl
keeps forgetting to put men's razors
on the grocery list every week.).
Anyway, back to Wanda's Safety
Razor. Basically, my theory is "If
your theory makes you look like a
dumbass then it's probably not the
right one". Meaning, you must
rule out every other possible cause
of your strange sounds and
experiences before calling your
house haunted.
First and foremost, rule out
squirrels. Squirrels are the silent
and deadly scourge of modern
suburban life. Those pesky buggers
can chew a hole into the side of
your house and chew through all your
wiring in about 5 minutes flat. And
then they forget how they came in
and die up in the attic and smell up
the whole house one hot summer day,
prompting your husband to say as he
comes in for work that night, "Are
we having roast AGAIN?" They are
also responsible for strange noises
and phantom footsteps. It might
explain the lights going on and off
too.
The TV going on and off might
have a completely different cause
though. If you are married, does
your husband like to play cruel and
un-funny pranks on you from time to
time? I speak from experience here.
Did you know that a lot of remotes
are interchangeable? Meaning you can
stand in the doorway of the bedroom
at the end of the hall and secretly
change the channel your wife is
watching in the living room from
"Dateline" to some sex show on HBO
scaring her half to death and making
her think for a brief and terrifying
moment that her house has suddenly
been invaded by porn-loving Incubi.
Oh, yes, it's possible. It's also
possible for said husband to spend
the next three nights out on the
couch too.
As for
objects disappearing and reappearing
in odd places, you will have to be
more specific than just "odd
places". It may have a perfectly
rational explanation. Ever notice
how all your pens disappear whenever
you have to jot something down
during a phone call? And then later
you find them all wrapped up in a
rubber band in the kitchen drawer
next to the phone and it's only then
that you remember putting them there
so you'd be sure to have a pen the
next time you were on the phone and
needed one? Just me? Okay. Maybe
Earl's right about me going senile a
few years early. If I am it is
entirely his fault. And he knows it.
After 25 years of marriage, I've
finally just taught him to accept
the blame for anything and
everything, even if it really isn't
his fault. After all, with all the
stuff he doesn't admit to it kind of
evens out in the end anyway. Hope
this helps you, Paranoid!
That's all
from me this month. Catch you all
next month with some more reader
questions!